For our first annual April Fools issue of the Cortex, Intellyx will be answering the toughest questions in the universe. The answers presented here are so profound that no complaints about being off-topic or missing April first by two days will be tolerated. If you’ve received this newsletter via email, therefore, unsubscribes are absolutely forbidden. You’ve been warned!
Enough with the pleasantries. Let’s get to the Questions, and present for your edification and amusement, once and for all, the Answers.
Why is the Sky Blue?
This question, of course, has a technical answer involving refraction of light and molecular properties of air and yada yada yada. That’s not what we’re looking for here. The real question is: how do you explain to a six-year-old (or your befuddled Aunt Mary) why the sky is blue? Absolutely no advanced physics allowed.
The answer: because air is blue, if you have enough of it. Just like if you put water in a glass then it’s clear, but if you have a swimming pool then it’s a little blue, and the ocean is even bluer, the same happens with air.
You also need a lot of light to see the air (since you need light to see anything), which is why the sky is only blue during the day when the sun is out. At night the air is invisible because the sun isn’t there to shine on it, which is why you can only see the stars at night.
At this point if your Aunt Mary asks you why starlight doesn’t make the sky blue, the answer is: how about some yummy creamed corn, Aunt Mary?
Is the Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
Answer: Half full. There’s no such thing as a half-empty glass, because once you put anything in it, it’s not empty any more.
The reason this question is so perplexing is because “empty” is an adjective that refers to the absence of something. Our half-empty brains always have problems with such complexities.
Another example of this problem: when milk marketers refer to 1% milk as 99% fat free. In reality, none of the milk in that carton is fat free, because it’s homogenized. Every drop contains 1% fat. Curse you, milk marketers!
Is Swearing in School Against the Rules?
Speaking of cursing: I’m not sure about your kids’ schools, but for many years I taught at private schools, and dropping the F-bomb was an explicit no-no worthy of detention. In reality, however, that rule was always misstated.
I realized this fact in the faculty room one day, where another teacher – definitely not me – was cursing a blue streak. As no students were present, there wasn’t an issue with this behavior. But swearing in front of the kids? That was absolutely verboten – although detention for teachers usually involved cocktails.
And of course, when kids are only amongst their peers, the rule doesn’t apply either. Good luck trying to enforce that!
So the real rule is: swearing is only allowed in peer groups, but whenever people from different peer groups are together, then no one may swear.
I like this expression of the rule better because of its symmetry. Why should kids have a different rule than adults?
Should the Toilet Paper Roll Have the End in the Front or the Back?
Now we’re getting to the really important questions of our age, aren’t we? The answer to this question, of course, is fundamentally a matter of personal preference, which means that my answer is likely to be as good as anyone else’s. That being said, my answer is in fact a better answer than anyone else’s.
My answer? It depends. All you architects out there can rejoice.
Having the end on the outside makes the roll just a bit easier to use, so that would usually be the desired configuration.
However, if the roll is so close to the toilet that it hangs over your leg, then that dangling end is annoying – and since the roll is in your face, having the end by the wall doesn’t impact its accessibility. So in that situation, put the end in the back.
Which Came First, the Chicken or the Egg?
You knew we were going to get to this one, didn’t you? This one is a bit trickier than the others, so let’s take the question-and-answer approach of our favorite pederast from the history books, Socrates.
STUDENT: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
SOCRATES: The egg, of course, since dinosaurs laid eggs, and dinosaurs existed long before chickens. (They probably didn’t know about dinosaurs in Ancient Greece, but bear with me.)
STUDENT: Wait! That’s not what I meant. I guess I meant: which came first, the chicken or the chicken egg?
SOCRATES: Ah, so you really want to know whether a chicken egg is a chicken egg because a chicken laid it, or because it has a chicken inside it, right?
STUDENT: Yes.
SOCRATES: There are chicken eggs in your refrigerator, correct? (I’m positive they had refrigerators in Ancient Greece.)
STUDENT: Yes, we have chicken eggs.
SOCRATES: Do those eggs have chickens in them?
STUDENT: No, there are no chickens in them.
SOCRATES: So clearly the reason they are chicken eggs is because a chicken laid them, correct?
STUDENT: Right!
SOCRATES: There you are: the chicken came first.
If you’re not as bright as Socrates, you might go on to ask about the egg that first chicken came from. At that point Socrates would roll his eyes, squeeze a catamite, and refer you back to his argument.
Yes, the first chicken came from an egg, but it wasn’t a chicken egg – because we define an egg as a chicken egg because a chicken laid it, not because a chicken was in it. Obvious now, isn’t it? You’re welcome.
The Intellyx Take: What is the Meaning of Life?
I know the answer to this one as well, but I’m not telling. You’ll have to figure it out for yourself!
(That actually is the answer, by the way. But you shouldn’t believe me, because if you do, that means you don’t understand the answer.)
Feel better now? Good. Now get back to work.
Image credit: Jason Bloomberg.
Is the Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
Neither. The glass is twice as large as necessary.